As it turns out, sometimes you need to handle people

This is a lesson I recently re-learned when I refused to add additional guests to my mother’s birthday party because a close relative had invited other people without me knowing. I refused over the phone in response to her email, and used a condescending, non-negotiable tone. Basically I put the smack down.

Instead of realizing she had overstepped and apologized, she did what came naturally. She turned the entire thing back on me, and then she turned the rest of her family against me, too. Every one of them backed out of the event.

Its fixable, of course, almost everything is, but its been blown way out of proportion and is now causing some of my nearest and dearest a fair amount of pain and vacation obnoxiousness as the self-declared aggrieved parties are refusing to participate in previously planned joint events.

I did the only thing that could be done, I took the high road and called everyone personally to apologize. I did so without any mention of anyone else’s behavior but mine. I just said I was sorry and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings.

While true, this apology overlooks the fact that there were a lot of people that were all a little bit out of line. And everyone sort of owes everyone else an apology, or at the very least a belated Happy Birthday.

What I should have done, though, back at the beginning, was HANDLE HER. It takes significantly more skill, tact, and humility to handle someone but in the greater scheme of things it’s the only way we can all get along.

Reason being, relationships are ongoing. The longer they go one, the more rigid behavior patterns become. When you’re faced with a situation where someone is out of line you need to do a little analysis before determining the tone of your response. In this case, I should have realized that this relative wouldn’t ever realize that she played a part in creating the bad situation. She’s also the kind of person who believes others can be invited to any kind of event, no matter who is hosting it, how close the event is, or how formal it is. She’s behaved like this with our family for the past forty some years.

I should have known better. You have to weigh the grievance of the moment against the duration of your relationship past and future. Saying “no” to this relative was gratifying but it only escalated a situation that I could have just as easily diffused.

You can’t expect to change someone’s behavior overnight, but you can avoid putting yourself in situations where the behavior of others is unacceptable to you. When it can’t be avoided, dig deep and be the bigger person.

When you do, you can have your cake and people to eat it with, too.

I’m leaving, on a jet plane… as soon as this guy in front of me gets out of the aisle

When I flew weekly for work I became an expert at flying. I knew exactly how much time it would take me to get from my apartment to the airport, through security and to the gate, with a coffee. I was a master at taking off shoes, coats and putting my laptop in a separate bin and then reversing that process after the metal detector. I knew whether my suitcase would or would not fit into overhead bins on a variety of plane sizes, and checked (or gate checked) it appropriately.

The first holiday travel season I went through I was really worried the airport would be a madhouse. It was, but I was pretty unaffected by all the “regular” travelers because I had status on my airline and breezed through shortened security and boarding lines.

It wasn’t until I stopped traveling for work that I noticed how annoying those regular travelers are. They walk everywhere, pulling their bags behind them in zig-zaggy lines so its hard to pass them. They block everything, standing in the middle of the walkway while they look at the Departure and Arrival monitors trying to figure out where their flights are. They take forever to board, getting back up to pull a book out of the overhead or put their jacket in the overhead while folks are still trying to get into their seats. They immediately stand up when the plane has taxied to the gate, as if it will get them off the plane faster.

I digress. I know these casual travelers aren’t holding the rest of the airport up on purpose, but that doesn’t make it any less obnoxious. And for an advanced traveler, they just get in the way of our highly perfected routine.

As a pleasure traveler, I normally just sidestep these inexperienced, unaware yokels and go about my business wondering how these people navigate their lives if they can’t navigate a moving sidewalk. On my last trip out to Denver, though, I actually said something to someone. Not because I was particularly frustrated, mind you, it just had to be done.

There is a gentleman and his son in front of me on the jet bridge. They seem to have way too many bags to carry on, including a guitar, and seem very flustered. When they get to an open row, they both stand in the aisle trying to figure out where they’re going to put their bags. First they spend a solid minute trying to get his suitcase jammed into the overhead; it requires help from the attendant. I am patiently standing behind them, assuming they will then head into the row so those of us queued up behind them can continue the boarding process.

Sadly what happens next is they have some awkward shaped luggage (a bongo drum, maybe) that they are concerned won’t fit into the overhead. How it got past security is beyond me, but the attendant says he’ll try to find something in the back. While that nonsense is going on the kid’s cell phone rings.

And he answers the phone! In the aisle, with literally 100 people left to board. He says “I can’t talk now” a lot, instead of not being on the phone. His dad insists his son get off the phone, but they’re still just standing in the aisle. At this point I decide things have gone from annoying to ridiculous. I say firmly and in my mom tone, “Folks, if you could step into the row so I can get by and the rest of us could continue boarding that would really be great”. The guy looks at me kind of funny, but lets me by.

By the time I sit down, that guy is back in the aisle, futzing with something and holding up everyone else, I’m the only one who has gotten by him. There’s this tall guy making all these faces, wanting to pass him, but he doesn’t say anything. Just waits another minute or so until that guy finally sits down.

I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it. The only way people will know their behavior is out of line is if someone tells them. You need to say something. Out loud. To the person that is being inappropriate.

You don’t always need to imply they’re doing something obnoxious as I did with the guy on the airplane, but you should say something for the greater good of the situation. Put that inconsiderate ass in his place. Seat 16F.

Do Us All a Favor and Slow Down.

I used to drive all the time, a lot of it on the highway, and I've always had something of a lead foot. I was often frustrated when cars going slower than I would insist on staying in the left lane, slowing down me, most importantly, but also the overall flow of traffic. I would drive too close (at least for my own comfort) in an attempt to encourage them to switch lanes or when I had the chance I would speed by them on the right.

I don't know if its because I been driving less lately or because I'm becoming more relaxed the older I get, but on my last few road trips I've noticed that while I still have a lead foot, I’m the least of the crazy, speedy drivers on the road. With these folks on the road, I’m beginning to think driving on the highway is more dangerous than I had thought.

Whereas I would tail drivers when they were just in my way, with plenty of room on the road, not moving over simply because they were unaware they were holding other cars back (or so I assumed), drivers nowadays seem to be frustrated by driving conditions that cause everyone to drive slower. Trying to get around them doesn't actually work, but it does make the traffic conditions riskier.

Like when there's a line of cars in the left lane that is slowed down by some car in the front who should really move over. The line of cars is effectively waiting, but Mr. Impatient will speed into the right lane, drive all the way to the tail of the first car and then squeeze back into the left lane. This lane change happens with not nearly enough room and at way too fast a speed for the left lane traffic.

Or when there's heavy traffic on the road in both lanes. Realistically we're all going slower than we would like, but Mr. Speedy is so close I can't even see the grill on his car. If I have to make any kind of speed reduction there will be no way he can react fast enough to avoid rear ending me.

And for what? Moving forward three cars or saving ten minutes of travel time isn't worth the dangerous conditions being creating on the road. If you want to drive fast, find a country road or drive when there’s no traffic. If you're on the road with the masses, do us all a favor and slow down.

Volunteering: High Fives All Around

I’m a runner. I’ve been one since the spring of my 8th grade year when against all odds I made my junior high’s track team. You had to try out for everything and despite numerous prior attempts I hadn’t really made any of the teams until then. I wasn’t a superstar, in fact I didn’t even get to race in the conference meet, but being a part of that team, pushing myself to be a better runner, gave me the confidence to go out for cross country when my I started high school. My dad says after that track season, I never looked back.

Running has given a lot to me over the years: fitness, friends, self-confidence, stress release, and recently I decided I wanted to get more involved in giving back. I started this morning by volunteering at Chicago Run’s 2nd Annual 1-Mile Fun Run. Chicago Run is a non-profit that facilitates running programs in Chicago Public Schools. In only their second year, approximately 4,000 students from over 20 schools came out to celebrate the end of this year’s running season with a final race.

I was on the Greeter / Course Marshall team, so I made posters, directed cars to the parking area, cheered, handed out stickers and picked up trash. But mostly I supported and encouraged the active and healthy habits these kids were learning. In return I got a lot of high-fives, smiles, thanks you’s and even a hug. I felt great.

It's one of the great ironies of life that volunteering gives so much back to the volunteer. That warm and fuzzy feeling alone is cause to volunteer for something you believe in, but I think there are bigger issues at stake. It's only when people get involved in their communities and causes that they believe in, volunteering their time, money, etc., that we build the kind of society we should be. The kind of society that I think everyone wants to be a part of; a team that supports everyone’s growth and where everyone has a hand in getting things done.

I’m not saying you should move to Micronesia to teach children to read, but its pretty easy to find a program that matches your own interest or hobbies and get involved. You may get a tax deduction, but more importantly you’ll be one of those good role models everyone needs and influence lives in a positive way. Why wouldn’t you want to be a part of that?

As for me, I’m planning to become more involved in youth running programs. Running won’t solve the world’s problems but I do think it’s a building block for self-esteem, reaching goals and becoming a better person. Being a runner could be just the boost these kids need, and I contributed to that, all by picking up a smashed banana peel. Now that deserves a high five.