A friend of mine just received an invitation addressed exclusively to her. No “and Guest”. For those of you unfamiliar, the inner envelope of your wedding invitation should clearly list who is invited; those not listed are not invited. Does the invite say Mr. and Mrs. Jones? Then the lovely children of the Jones’ are not invited. Children are only included when the phrase “family” is included.
Now normally I am a huge proponent of simply following instructions. If you were meant to bring a guest with you, your invitation would say so. Then I remembered when a friend of mine got married and a number of friends received invites with no mention of guests. The wedding was in a small venue, and I knew there was a large list of potential invites. I thought it was very likely that those without steady significant others had been invited as solo guests, in order to allow for more people to be invited while keeping the total manageable.
It didn’t seem consistent, though, who was invited with guest and who wasn’t, so I clarified with that friend what her actual intentions were. Turns out it was a mistake, everyone was supposed to have a guest. She felt terrible, but no feelings were hurt and her wedding was amazing.
It would have been fine if it hadn’t been a mistake, of course. I understand that weddings are expensive affairs, and that in order to invite more of your friends while keeping costs reasonable you might invite your perpetually single friend without guest. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, when it’s your wedding you can do whatever you like.
You should, however, give folks a heads up if you are going to deviate from what is generally considered proper behavior. Just like you specify when you don’t want gifts at a birthday party, if you’re restricting your guest list for whatever reason take the time to provide some background to the affected guests in order to (a) ensure no one’s feelings are hurt and (b) ensure you don’t end up with RSVPs for all your baby cousins.
The generally accepted threshold for extending the “and guest” is 18. My friend in this story is 30. Obviously the bride and groom want her to share in the celebration of their marriage, of them finding their life partners, but inviting her without a guest just underlines that she’s so single that she doesn’t warrant one. Isn’t asking her to participate in the bouquet toss humiliating enough?
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Stick with the Positive
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
2
I have a set of salt and pepper shakers that are in the shape of two peas in a pod. They were the favor at a baby shower that a friend of mine hosted for a mutual friend a number of years back. I pull them out often, they are the only S & P shakers I have, and they are often complimented by my guests.
It’s ironic, because when the hostess asked me my opinion on them I said I didn’t like them – who would use pea in a pod shakers? – and I also referenced my general belief that favors are stupid (since no one uses whatever you give them).
It’s also a nearly constant reminder that I should mind my manners. I get asked my opinion all the time, on subjects from the meaningless (Diet Cherry Coke or Cherry Coke Zero) to the most important (does this dress make me look fat?). No matter what the question, there is a person behind it, and that person has feelings. Whether I enjoy their cooking or not I want to maintain a positive relationship with them.
How should you respond when asked your opinion? STICK WITH THE POSITIVE. Are you looking at a bridesmaid dress that makes your friend look like a 1980’s drag queen? Compliment the color. Is your cousin’s new baby still in that sort of alien mode? Point out how smiley she is.
Sometimes people are asking for a genuine opinion, in which case you can certainly tell them what you do and do not like about their options, but be mindful of how invested someone may be in their opinion and/or decision. You don’t want to crush someone’s spirit by telling them their invitation is ugly when they could have easily have spent hours looking for something that fit into the theme and price point.
You don’t want to lie, either, being dishonest to save someone’s feelings just hurts your relationship with that person in the long run.
You aren’t always going to agree with the choices or opinions of your friends and family, of course not, but a little bit of positive reinforcement goes a long way to helping your friend make a decision that they can be happy with.
Not sure you can find anything nice to say? Take a page from my mom’s book. She always turns my questions back to me and says “What do you think?” More often than not I think this is the answer someone’s looking for in the first place.
It’s ironic, because when the hostess asked me my opinion on them I said I didn’t like them – who would use pea in a pod shakers? – and I also referenced my general belief that favors are stupid (since no one uses whatever you give them).
It’s also a nearly constant reminder that I should mind my manners. I get asked my opinion all the time, on subjects from the meaningless (Diet Cherry Coke or Cherry Coke Zero) to the most important (does this dress make me look fat?). No matter what the question, there is a person behind it, and that person has feelings. Whether I enjoy their cooking or not I want to maintain a positive relationship with them.
How should you respond when asked your opinion? STICK WITH THE POSITIVE. Are you looking at a bridesmaid dress that makes your friend look like a 1980’s drag queen? Compliment the color. Is your cousin’s new baby still in that sort of alien mode? Point out how smiley she is.
Sometimes people are asking for a genuine opinion, in which case you can certainly tell them what you do and do not like about their options, but be mindful of how invested someone may be in their opinion and/or decision. You don’t want to crush someone’s spirit by telling them their invitation is ugly when they could have easily have spent hours looking for something that fit into the theme and price point.
You don’t want to lie, either, being dishonest to save someone’s feelings just hurts your relationship with that person in the long run.
You aren’t always going to agree with the choices or opinions of your friends and family, of course not, but a little bit of positive reinforcement goes a long way to helping your friend make a decision that they can be happy with.
Not sure you can find anything nice to say? Take a page from my mom’s book. She always turns my questions back to me and says “What do you think?” More often than not I think this is the answer someone’s looking for in the first place.
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