Babies Don't Have Inside Voices

While returning via train from a glorious day trip to Toledo on my recent trip in Spain I experienced something unexpected: a couple encouraging their fairly young child to scream, coo and giggle in delight at their peek-a-boo antics. During my increased frustration at the regular, and surprisingly loud, intervals of baby excitement I was reminded of another traveler disturbing scene I have been party to: crying baby on a plane. In reflecting on how I deal with that sort of social scenario I honed in on an essential truth to remember, especially when in a shared space: BABIES DON’T HAVE INSIDE VOICES.

There’s an implicit “inside voice” rule that should be obeyed in any shared space. It applies to screaming teenagers and loud cell phone conservationists and people who have one-too-many happy hour cocktails and oh, yes, parents and they children they are responsible for.

I am, by nature, a loud and boisterous individual but I vigorously remember my parents interrupting me to insist that I use my “inside voice”. It took, thankfully, and I now use the phrase with anyone being inappropriately loud.

The thing is, while adults are capable of controlling their volume and tone, babies pretty much can’t control anything they do… and neither can their parents. When any child is loudly unhappy you must know that the parent is doing everything they can to quiet their child - crying annoys everyone, parents included. Chances are good that parent already feels self-conscious about exceeding the shared-space noise level or worse, about being labeled a bad parent for not being able to stop their crying child.

You should give that parent on the plane a break. You might even offer that parent a sympathetic smile. Or better yet, one of your free Southwest drink tickets. They probably need it more than you do.

I digress. In the same way that blaming loud, unhappy baby noises on the parent is inappropriate behavior for non-parents instigating loud, happy baby noises is inappropriate behavior for parents. It’s a subtle difference to appreciate, but there are always two sides to a social situation and in each there is a measure of personal responsibility.

Should you enjoy and play with your baby during a return train ride through the beautiful Spanish countryside? Of course! Should you initiate and draw out a game that elicits a high pitched shriek from your child every minute or so and disturbs the rest of the train patrons? No, you should not.

I’ll agree as anyone will that a happy baby beats a crying one (sleeping baby of course still trumps all) but in the interest of keeping baby happy parents must also be conscious of staying within the bounds of acceptable shared-space noise making. When you can control or influence behavior, you should.

Being purposefully loud in shared spaces is obnoxious no matter where the noise is coming from. Next time you’re on public transportation and your baby is ready to play entertain them with a story instead of tickling them. Just be sure to use your inside voice.

If You Want Something, Ask For It.

The other day I took a mid-morning caffeine break with a friend and headed to the Dunkin Donuts. This friend happens to love blueberry cake donuts, and was saddened to see the DD was out. She decided to settle for glazed munchkins, but she only wanted one (this friend is also walking the fine line between pregnant and figure conscious). She said “I wonder if they would sell me just one - the sign says only dozen or half-dozen.” “Of course they will sell you just one”, I responded, and promptly ordered her one with my coffee.

Given the increased (and entirely inappropriate) level of entitlement our society seems to be supporting, I have to wonder why these same self-indulged people are so timid when it comes to straying from a meager printed menu at a fast food joint. IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, ASK FOR IT.

This is an important lesson - not just for purchasing but for customer service. I find that people are very quick to complain when something doesn’t meet their expectations but surprisingly unable to articulate what would ease their discomfort. What you want to do is so much more than complain. You want to reimbursed in some way for your dissatisfaction. Stop thinking that saying you don’t like something will result in you getting it for free. Take control of the situation and actually ask for what would make you feel better.

Not sure this life lesson applies to you? Here are some familiar situations to get you started:

• There are plenty of things you can buy that aren’t explicitly listed somewhere. Sometimes they cost extra, but often a company will customize something or provide you with a variation if that’s what you’re looking for. An old roommate of mine only ate “plain” things, and ordered buttered noodles every time we ate out. Every restaurant with any pasta on their menu made it for her with no issue.

• There are always special circumstances. If you happen to need a hotel late at night, say after midnight, several hotels have a 50% discounted rate since you’ll only be using half a night. Half a night is worth more to them than an empty room but they won’t offer it unless you ask.

• If you paid for something but received something else, the company that provided the service should fix it. I once got a car rental company to drive a new vehicle over an hour from the airport rental agency to our rented house in Park City Utah because the one they rented us should have been 4-wheel drive and wasn’t.
  

There’s another lesson here I want to make sure I touch base on. If you’re unhappy with something you’ve paid for, the time to express that unhappiness is as soon as you realize you’re unhappy with it. Don’t eat your meal, tell your server its fine, then ask for it to be removed from your bill when you get the check.

Be pleasant, not angry, when complaining to an establishment. Be firm, not threatening, when asking for any sort of compensation. If you’ve talked with multiple people at an establishment retain the details of those conversations (names, dates, etc) so that you can effectively negotiate. If you’re not getting anywhere with the first-level folks ask for their manager. You won’t always get what you ask for; its unreasonable to think just by asking someone will always oblige you, but the likelihood that you will get something, either what you asked for or some portion of it, will be infinitely increased if you tell the person what it is that you want.

When you’re the customer, it is your business that drives the success of the company providing you a service or product. Companies have a vested interest in making you happy and its your responsibility to tell them how to make that happen. Caveat Venditor.

Debate 101: Grown-Ups Only.

This year’s presidential election started way too early. Oh sure, at first I was really interested in the fancy charts during the primaries that showed varying shades of blue and red by party candidate, but my interest waned as the primaries went on… and on… and on. As we speed towards the actual election however, I find it necessary to check back into the candidates.

I am encouraged that so many people seem invested in the upcoming election and hopeful that this will carry through to actual voter turnout. I am increasingly disappointed , however, in the behavior of my friends and family as it relates to discussing the candidates and their personal political viewpoints.

The information being tossed around on email, Facebook and countless kitchens, hallways and elevators is inappropriate, often times inaccurate, and downright childish. More than that, though, its trivializing what is shaping up to be the most pivotal election of our generation.

Do yourself a favor and act like a grown-up. I guarantee you that knocking McCain for his email typing limitations (caused by injuries sustained as a POW) or incorrectly slamming Obama for swearing into office on the Koran (he swore in on his own bible) isn’t going to sway anyone over to your side of the fence. Its not going to do anything for people’s opinion of you, either.

Politics shouldn’t polarize people; differing opinions are the basis for the debates that should lead to the best solutions for all parties involved. Here’s how to do it right, no matter what you’re discussing.

Respect the opinions of others. This one is so basic it almost hurts me to have to include it. Just as you are entitled to your beliefs, everyone else is entitled to theirs. That’s not to say that your opinion of someone won’t change if you have different beliefs then them, and that opinion may affect your relationship, but under no circumstances is it appropriate to degrade the person, or their opinion. You can disagree without insult.

Check the facts. Twenty-four hour media and the internet have provided unlimited access to information, but information alone shouldn’t be a replacement for using your brain, or better yet, using judgment. Take a few minutes to cite your source before blasting everyone in your address book.

Fact Check on McCain Typing
Fact Check on Obama Swearing In

Debate the real issues, not the ones that provide good fodder for water cooler jokes. Talk about the election issues that will determine how we interact with the global economy, whether you’ll have healthcare when you retire and what kind of world it will be for your children and children’s children.

Know your limits. If discussing issues with a supporter of the party opposite yours brings your blood pressure up and results in you screaming profanities, you should probably keep political discussions (and a whole lot of other topics) within your closest group of friends. If you can’t debate logically, respectfully and in a civil tone, then you shouldn’t do it. I know people who can’t talk about Notre Dame football without getting into a screaming match, myself included, so there’s no reason to feel bad about excusing yourself from any heated discussion.

Don’t forget to vote! Its your responsibility, it’s the only way to enact change in our current political structure, and if you don’t, you’ll have nothing to complain about with the new administration.

If you haven’t received an invitation, you're not invited.

I go to a lot of events. LOTS. Birthdays, baby showers, graduations, weddings, wedding showers, christenings/dedications… the list goes on and on. And while my pocketbook is cringing a little with each gift, I am happy to attend these events in support of my friends, family, co-workers, etc. I’ve noticed a disturbing trend, though, that warrants some discussion: the assumption that one is on the guest list.

It is at the discretion of the guest of honor and/or the host of an event to determine the guest list. There are a lot of factors that go into this list: cost (and who is providing the funds), size, location, type of event, venue, who the guest of honor/host wants to share in the event and how the guests will interact with each other. You should never make the assumption that you are on the guest list.

• Who is on the guest list isn’t necessarily an indication of those guests’ level of closeness to the guest of honor, although it may be.
• Every person has their own level of inclusion; some people don’t invite co-workers to personal events, period. You shouldn’t take it personally.
• Often times it is difficult to include one person from a group, for example your favorite cousin, without extending to a much larger group, say all seven of your cousins and their spouses. Including part of a category of guests can be tricky to pull off (especially with family). Including the full category, though, can really screw with your guest total.
• Invitations to events are not reciprocal. Having invited someone to your birthday party does not guarantee an invite to theirs.
  
  

If you haven’t received an invitation, you’re not invited. And it is not appropriate to solicit an invitation from the guest of honor. Inserting yourself into an event is presumptuous, no matter how entitled you feel to an invitation or how close you think you are to the guest of honor.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, but I really AM on the invitation list! Something terrible must have happened to your invitation, like an accident at the printers or a typo in your address. You’re thinking it would be rude of you not to follow up with the guest of honor to make sure he/she knows that you aren’t deliberately failing to RSVP, but that you had no idea you were even invited to the special event!

That’s certainly a possibility; sometimes your invitation IS actually lost in the mail. It happened to me last fall and I was only officially invited to a friend’s baby shower when I got the dreaded email stating the hostesses hadn’t received my RSVP. I’ll get a post out about the right way to inquire for the rare occurrence of a missing invitation– along with a guideline as to the likelihood you’re actually on the guest list – soon.

For now, trust me that if you’re meant to be invited someone will contact you when they haven’t heard back with your RSVP. That’s the nature of hosted events.

If someone doesn’t get in touch with you, then you aren’t invited. Don’t take it too personally and don’t let it define your relationship with the guest of honor. If you care about that person more than a slice of bakery cake you’ll find a way to support and celebrate the event on your own. Ultimately that will mean more than your participation in a game of toilet-paper-the-bride.