Party Tip #1: Location, Location, Location.

To plan a really great event you have to focus on something in particular, besides the wishes of the guest of honor. Once you figure that out, the rest usually falls right into place. If you want to plan an event without a lot of extra hands-on activity, you focus on location. With the right location, all you usually have to do is show up and have a great time.

Take a recent baby shower I helped plan. We had a small group of people and our mom-to-be had already had two family showers so we knew we wanted to do something a little less traditional. We also wanted it to be fairly straightforward and a little “city”. We landed at meeting for dinner at a restaurant.

It took awhile to figure out the location. I wanted there to be enough room for us and the gifts, but I didn’t want it to be crazy expensive, or at a place you’d need to do a package deal or anything like that. There are a million restaurants in Chicago and I just couldn’t settle on one that had the vibe I wanted.

And then E. and I hit upon it when eating at this great Chicago place that we love and always ask “why don‘t we come here more often?” every time we go. It’s totally local, serving really delicious organic food, and it’s all eclectic coffee house inside. Basically, it was perfect.

After that, everything fell right into place. Reservation in the back room with extra table for gifts, check. Delicious mac-n-cheese pre-ordered as starter for everyone, check (It’s a favorite of the mom-to-be and decidedly personal touch). Custom cake from local bakery ordered by the restaurant, check. All over email, all done in a matter of days.

Invitations were sent and then we basically just showed up. We added a few decorative touches, of course, but no one was running around that weekend making a diaper cake or canapés.

The best parties are where the guests get together and enjoy themselves, all while making the guest of honor feel special and loved. At this shower, I just put a fun group of her gal pals at the same table over great food in a cozy restaurant. And then I had them eat cake off of monkey plates.

Planning an event for someone doesn’t have to be stressful and time consuming, and it doesn’t mean you put any less of yourself into it if you didn’t hand paint the name tags. PARTY TIP #1: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION. Think about the kind of event you want to have. Find somewhere great to have it where you don’t have to fuss over all the details. Add a little whimsy with a gigantic monkey balloon.

You just planned the perfect party. You’re Welcome.

Life Lessons: Embrace the Quirk!

I just got stopped by a colleague who was trying to figure out what I was doing with my hands while I was walking down the hall. I told him I was spatial, that using my hands helped me think better (This is mostly true. I pretty much use my hands all the time when talking, whether I’m trying to organize my thoughts or not). He thought it was hysterical, but another colleague who was behind us obviously thought it was just dumb, making fun of my hand motions. A few minutes later that colleague passed me again in the hall, saying he was thinking while making hand motions. I could tell he was enjoying himself, ridiculing tone or not.

You know what I said, of course. You’re Welcome! Using his hands probably won’t help that man think better, but it likely made his afternoon more fun than it had been.

It got me thinking about what differentiates blah people from the spectacular ones, people who seem to be having fun all the time versus people who are always grumpy. I think it’s knowing and embracing the quirks, and fortunately I’m surrounded by people who have plenty (myself included).

For example, I have a friend who loves green onions, only we don’t call them that, we strictly refer to them by their more posh name, scallions. And whenever either of us see them on a menu inform the other with a “Scallion Alert!” It’s completely unnecessary, and yet it makes me feel like we have a connection even when we’re in entirely different locations doing entirely different things.

I also have a friend who meows. She uses it as an exclamation and also in place of words when meow-ing along to songs. I enjoy it so much, I find myself doing it.

The oddities of your friends and those peculiar things you do with them are what make your relationships with them so special. In some cases, it’s probably the main reason you hang out with them in the first place. My mother stated it best. Whenever she points out something silly I’m doing she says "I’m just enjoying you".

I say, EMBRACE THE QUIRK! Both your own and those of the folks around you. Don’t belittle someone’s personality traits just because they aren’t your own. You may think you’re above all that nonsense but all you’re doing is making yourself unlikeable and limiting your own enjoyment.

The next time you run across a girl doing a cheerleading routine on the corner take notice that the folks around her are laughing just as hysterically as she is. She doesn’t need you to feel sorry for her, you see, she’s in on the joke. You’re the one missing out on all the fun.

The Direct Correct: Bad Behavior is Calling

I have a number stored in my cell phone with the name “crazy guy”. I don’t know the person who owns the number, I just know that he speaks a language other than English and is incapable of not calling me, when he is so clearly trying to reach someone else.

There were a few random calls initially, always with voicemails, always in pairs of two calls one after the other. I found it sort of odd that someone speaking some Middle Eastern language wouldn’t realize he had the wrong number when my clearly American voice mail started talking, but I let it go.

I kept the getting the calls, though, so I sent back a text message one day that said something like “I think you have the wrong number, the person you are trying to reach is not me and please stop calling me”.

And still I kept getting the calls. When I got them last week at happy hour we saved the number as “crazy guy” and when he made his typical 2nd call, my friend answered. She told the guy he had the wrong number.

A few days after that, I answered the phone when he called and told him he had the wrong number. I asked him to make a correction as he had consistently been calling it and it was the not the number of whoever he was looking for. He said sorry, but then he called me about 10 minutes later. We had the same conversation again. He seemed even sorrier.

He called during work today, and we again had the same “this is the wrong number” conversation we had had before only my tone was much stronger. More apologies, but I’m expecting a few more calls. He’s clearly not very intelligent.

Why do I tell you this story? It’s another example of THE DIRECT CORRECT! The Direct Correct is when someone does something inappropriate that you can admonish them for without worrying about hurting their feelings. Calling the wrong number also includes the ability to escalate your tone and shortness with the offender as they continue to make the clear mistake over and over. I’m not advocating being mean, of course, but it can be a good release to be firm with someone when they’re out of line and those opportunities are limited.

Although I haven’t been successful at getting “crazy guy” to stop calling, I’m confident I will. Well, that or I’ll figure out how to block his number.

You Have to Call People by Their Names

My work life has been pretty stressful lately, making me slightly more sensitive to things that I might otherwise let slide. For example, one of my co-workers is named Mary Kay. She signs her name, answers the phone and comes up in our email address book that way. She and I work with a number of external parties, and every so often one of them fails to register her full name. They send emails directed to Mary. She’s too nice to correct them, but it drives me nuts.

I have another friend named Julia, and she gets a lot of Julie instead. I can accept that these names are very close (‘a’ and ‘e’ are at least on the same side of the keyboard) but once you’ve known someone for a period of time you should be paying enough attention that you register their name correctly.

The thing is, it’s not about how close to the name you are, changing a name slightly to another name is just like calling someone named “Matt” by the name “Joe”. You aren’t using their name and it’s rude, whether you’re doing it on purpose or not. YOU HAVE TO CALL PEOPLE BY THEIR NAMES.

Now most of the time I advocate an indirect, tactful way to let people know they’re crossing a line, be it personal boundary, social behavior, etc. Sometimes, though, when there isn’t any ambiguity as to what is right and what is wrong in a situation, you can point out the error directly and ask the offender to correct him/herself going forward. This is one of those situations, and I've found that it’s pretty gratifying.

I’ve been sending emails to the offenders of my co-worker Mary Kay, friendly notes correcting the offenders and asking that they make the adjustment since they’ll be working with her on an on-going basis. Too nice or not, I know it bothers her when people don’t make the effort to call her by her name and it can negatively effect their working relationship.

I’ve gotten some positive responses back thanking me for the correction. That won’t always be the case, but I believe that most of the time people aren’t being offensive on purpose. They just don’t know any better. But now you do!

Call people by their names and help others out when they’re using the wrong ones. You’re Welcome.

Gifts are Meant to be Thoughtful

I have a friend who is getting married. A few work pals and I went in on her Dyson vacuum for her wedding present. It's not a particularly personal item, however it was one she had repeatedly told us she was excited about, even to the point of dreaming about it. We got made fun of when it was presented to her but I happen to know she used it that same night. A gift used immediately is a successful gift.

One of her other friends “gifted” her with Cubs tickets. The tickets themselves were offered last minute and prefaced with the statement that the friend had mixed up the dates and wasn’t able to use them herself. Payment was refused when the tickets were picked up by the groom-to-be and the gifting notification came in the form of a text message stating “Happy Wedding”, followed by another text message stating “that was serious”. A gift involving leftovers presented as an after thought is an unsuccessful, sort of insulting gift.

GIFTS ARE MEANT TO BE THOUGHTFUL. You want to give a gift that makes the receiver feel special, not that you didn’t remember their birthday or didn’t take the brief time needed to pick something off their already registered gift list.

The bad news is that giving a gift that’s thoughtful can take time, like when I wanted to send a photo in an engraved frame. After finding the frame that worked I still had to wait 3-4 weeks for it to by shipped. The good news is that being thoughtful isn’t about the price tag. Buying an expensive gift just takes money; finding a gift that will mean something once presented, that will show that person that you took the time to think about what they would enjoy, is what gift giving is all about.

You won’t always have time to think ahead and sometimes you’ll straight out forget. Just because you’re behind the ball on the gift doesn’t mean you can’t redeem yourself on the presentation, though. If you swing by a grocery store to grab a bottle of wine then also grab some curly ribbon to put on the bottle. It's not necessarily a personal gift, but the presentation says you took the time to make it special.

If you’re going through the effort of presenting any gift at all you then you should at least make an effort to make it nice. In the words of L.O. Baird, “May no gift be too small to give, nor too simple to receive, which is wrapped in thoughtfulness, and tied with love.”

Easy Peasy Entertaining

For the past two seasons of The Bachelorette I have been hosting a watching party at my place with two gal pals. Sometimes we bring our own food, sometimes we order in, but lately I’ve been making dinner for the three of us. It's an adventure for me, while I’m an excellent hostess I haven’t always succeeded in the dinner category. I tend to take on too much, run out of time and then spend the first half of my get together fussing over the not yet cooked food.

Last week I had been out of town the whole week before and had only picked up a few items at the grocery store and moderately straightened up my place. That Monday, I confirmed the gals were coming over and thought about what I had at home that could turn into dinner. I came up with broccoli cheddar omelets. They were delicious.

As we sat around the coffee table eating eggs and critiquing the ridiculousness that is reality TV dating, I thought to myself, this is entertaining. Whipping up something to eat and enjoying the company of others in my home, blissfully ignoring that my floors needed a wash and I should probably also dust. EASY PEASY.

Successful entertaining isn’t about fancy dishes and spotless condos. It is about your friends being comfortable in your home and wanting to spend time with you there. It doesn’t matter whether the ironing board is up in your hallway or that you ordered pizza instead of cooking something from scratch.

Sometimes you want a menu that impresses… like brined pork chops with pineapple glaze, roasted potatoes, green beans and to finish, a chocolate orange torte. When you serve that meal, you’ll probably also want to clean the floors and put away the dishes. Most of the time, though, you should stop stressing about the details and enjoy the experience that is sharing your home with others.

It wouldn’t hurt to take a quick run through your bathroom to make sure there’s toilet paper, though. Just because you’re a relaxed hostess doesn’t mean you should leave your guests empty handed.

The Rules of Introduction are Simple.

Recently I sat at a bar and watched the televisions, Sex and the City on one and ESPN baseball highlights on the other, nursing my beer, trying to figure out a way to entertain myself.

I wasn’t there alone, I was with a guy I sometimes date, who knew the bar owner and several of the bartenders. It seems they played on a basketball league together, or refereed in the same league, or both, I don’t really know. They were also both involved in the supporting the street festival that was happening that weekend, that we had just come from.

I am perfectly capable of having conversations with strangers, or showing interest in conversations I know nothing about, but it had been a long day and I found myself trying to figure out what I should be doing in this particular situation.

I hadn’t been introduced to them, you see, and they were so familiar with each other it seemed out of place for me to introduce myself. Plus my pseudo-date seemed blithely unaware of what social etiquette called for. I couldn’t think of the right way to explain it to him.

THE RULES OF INTRODUCTION ARE SIMPLE: INTRODUCE PEOPLE. When you bring someone to an event with multiple people, take a few minutes to walk your someone around the group and make introductions. Give them an “in”, their association to you, so they feel comfortable striking up conversations on their own (Hot Tip: This will also reduce your need to baby-sit).

When you are with someone and run into someone else you know, you should introduce those people to each other. Do so early in the conversation so your someone doesn't just stand there, not knowing who you're talking to. They’ll probably just look interested and nod their head, but at least they're not some random person your friend is looking at thinking, who is that person?

This can get tricky, for example when you yourself don’t remember the name of the person you’ve just run into. If you’re only going to chat for a minute, you could be okay to skip the introduction. If you’re going to chat with that person for awhile, though, there’s really no way to get around starting the introduction and apologizing for not remembering the individual’s name. It can be uncomfortable, especially if you really should know their name. The sneaky option, which I use, is to pre-warn all my friends that if I haven’t introduced them right away it’s because I don’t remember the name of the person we’ve run into, and they should go ahead and introduce themselves.

It can be delicate yes, but while it is awkward to not remember the name of random people you see, it is unequivocally rude to leave the person you’re with out of the conversation. You don’t want them spacing out at the bar watching TV without sound or closed captioning. At least in my case there were popcorn snacks.

You should always, always RSVP

RSVP, from the French phrase "répondez, s'il vous plaît," means "please reply." Since in English it is usually preceded by an additional please, as in “Please RSVP”, it actually translates to Please, PLEASE RSVP.

Why such a focus on letting the host know whether you’ll be in attendance? Because successful parties don’t appear out of thin air. Hosting an event involves planning and coordination in advance. It almost always requires knowing the number of guests so that the host can provide the correct amount of seating, favors, food and drink.

Hosting takes time and effort and money. These things the host does, for you, the guests, so that all can take part in honoring a specific guest or just having a great time. All they ask in return is the courtesy of your response as to whether you will be in attendance.

And yet, wedding after birthday party after baby shower, some of you refuse to extend this courtesy. It's completely unacceptable and you should stop doing it, immediately.

YOU SHOULD ALWAYS, ALWAYS RSVP to events requesting one. You should RSVP early, well in advance of the response date, should one be provided. I even think that the most courteous thing to do when you cannot firmly RSVP is to replay with a “likely yes“ or “likely no“ early on, and provide your final response closer to the event.

There are lots of things you should not be doing.

• You should not, under any circumstances, RSVP to the guest of honor. RSVPs go to the host, and giving yours to the guest of honor is flat out lazy. It also means that they now have to RSVP for you.
• You should not make the hostess track you down to get your RSVP, forcing them to ask you personally, or have to get your contact information from other guests or even worse, the guest of honor.
• You should not make excuses for why you didn’t RSVP on time. You’re a grown up, who should be capable of managing your own schedule. If you do RSVP late, just apologize.
• You should not ask the guest of honor about the RSVP due date or other details of the event. Guests of honor are meant to attend events, not host them. Besides the fact that they often aren’t given details outside of where and when to show up, you were given host information on your initiation and you should direct any questions you have their way.

Lost your invitation? First ask the host, and if you don’t know them, ask someone else you know that was invited. If you don’t know either, you can ask the guest of honor - for the contact information of the host. That’s it. You are responsible for losing the invitation and you are responsible for searching out whatever information you now need.

If you don’t respect the host or the guest of honor or if you don’t appreciate their efforts to include you in an event, then by all means, demonstrate that by withholding your RSVP. Otherwise, muster up the social grace to reply to the host with a simple Yes or No. It’s the least you can do.

As it turns out, sometimes you need to handle people

This is a lesson I recently re-learned when I refused to add additional guests to my mother’s birthday party because a close relative had invited other people without me knowing. I refused over the phone in response to her email, and used a condescending, non-negotiable tone. Basically I put the smack down.

Instead of realizing she had overstepped and apologized, she did what came naturally. She turned the entire thing back on me, and then she turned the rest of her family against me, too. Every one of them backed out of the event.

Its fixable, of course, almost everything is, but its been blown way out of proportion and is now causing some of my nearest and dearest a fair amount of pain and vacation obnoxiousness as the self-declared aggrieved parties are refusing to participate in previously planned joint events.

I did the only thing that could be done, I took the high road and called everyone personally to apologize. I did so without any mention of anyone else’s behavior but mine. I just said I was sorry and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings.

While true, this apology overlooks the fact that there were a lot of people that were all a little bit out of line. And everyone sort of owes everyone else an apology, or at the very least a belated Happy Birthday.

What I should have done, though, back at the beginning, was HANDLE HER. It takes significantly more skill, tact, and humility to handle someone but in the greater scheme of things it’s the only way we can all get along.

Reason being, relationships are ongoing. The longer they go one, the more rigid behavior patterns become. When you’re faced with a situation where someone is out of line you need to do a little analysis before determining the tone of your response. In this case, I should have realized that this relative wouldn’t ever realize that she played a part in creating the bad situation. She’s also the kind of person who believes others can be invited to any kind of event, no matter who is hosting it, how close the event is, or how formal it is. She’s behaved like this with our family for the past forty some years.

I should have known better. You have to weigh the grievance of the moment against the duration of your relationship past and future. Saying “no” to this relative was gratifying but it only escalated a situation that I could have just as easily diffused.

You can’t expect to change someone’s behavior overnight, but you can avoid putting yourself in situations where the behavior of others is unacceptable to you. When it can’t be avoided, dig deep and be the bigger person.

When you do, you can have your cake and people to eat it with, too.

I’m leaving, on a jet plane… as soon as this guy in front of me gets out of the aisle

When I flew weekly for work I became an expert at flying. I knew exactly how much time it would take me to get from my apartment to the airport, through security and to the gate, with a coffee. I was a master at taking off shoes, coats and putting my laptop in a separate bin and then reversing that process after the metal detector. I knew whether my suitcase would or would not fit into overhead bins on a variety of plane sizes, and checked (or gate checked) it appropriately.

The first holiday travel season I went through I was really worried the airport would be a madhouse. It was, but I was pretty unaffected by all the “regular” travelers because I had status on my airline and breezed through shortened security and boarding lines.

It wasn’t until I stopped traveling for work that I noticed how annoying those regular travelers are. They walk everywhere, pulling their bags behind them in zig-zaggy lines so its hard to pass them. They block everything, standing in the middle of the walkway while they look at the Departure and Arrival monitors trying to figure out where their flights are. They take forever to board, getting back up to pull a book out of the overhead or put their jacket in the overhead while folks are still trying to get into their seats. They immediately stand up when the plane has taxied to the gate, as if it will get them off the plane faster.

I digress. I know these casual travelers aren’t holding the rest of the airport up on purpose, but that doesn’t make it any less obnoxious. And for an advanced traveler, they just get in the way of our highly perfected routine.

As a pleasure traveler, I normally just sidestep these inexperienced, unaware yokels and go about my business wondering how these people navigate their lives if they can’t navigate a moving sidewalk. On my last trip out to Denver, though, I actually said something to someone. Not because I was particularly frustrated, mind you, it just had to be done.

There is a gentleman and his son in front of me on the jet bridge. They seem to have way too many bags to carry on, including a guitar, and seem very flustered. When they get to an open row, they both stand in the aisle trying to figure out where they’re going to put their bags. First they spend a solid minute trying to get his suitcase jammed into the overhead; it requires help from the attendant. I am patiently standing behind them, assuming they will then head into the row so those of us queued up behind them can continue the boarding process.

Sadly what happens next is they have some awkward shaped luggage (a bongo drum, maybe) that they are concerned won’t fit into the overhead. How it got past security is beyond me, but the attendant says he’ll try to find something in the back. While that nonsense is going on the kid’s cell phone rings.

And he answers the phone! In the aisle, with literally 100 people left to board. He says “I can’t talk now” a lot, instead of not being on the phone. His dad insists his son get off the phone, but they’re still just standing in the aisle. At this point I decide things have gone from annoying to ridiculous. I say firmly and in my mom tone, “Folks, if you could step into the row so I can get by and the rest of us could continue boarding that would really be great”. The guy looks at me kind of funny, but lets me by.

By the time I sit down, that guy is back in the aisle, futzing with something and holding up everyone else, I’m the only one who has gotten by him. There’s this tall guy making all these faces, wanting to pass him, but he doesn’t say anything. Just waits another minute or so until that guy finally sits down.

I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it. The only way people will know their behavior is out of line is if someone tells them. You need to say something. Out loud. To the person that is being inappropriate.

You don’t always need to imply they’re doing something obnoxious as I did with the guy on the airplane, but you should say something for the greater good of the situation. Put that inconsiderate ass in his place. Seat 16F.

Do Us All a Favor and Slow Down.

I used to drive all the time, a lot of it on the highway, and I've always had something of a lead foot. I was often frustrated when cars going slower than I would insist on staying in the left lane, slowing down me, most importantly, but also the overall flow of traffic. I would drive too close (at least for my own comfort) in an attempt to encourage them to switch lanes or when I had the chance I would speed by them on the right.

I don't know if its because I been driving less lately or because I'm becoming more relaxed the older I get, but on my last few road trips I've noticed that while I still have a lead foot, I’m the least of the crazy, speedy drivers on the road. With these folks on the road, I’m beginning to think driving on the highway is more dangerous than I had thought.

Whereas I would tail drivers when they were just in my way, with plenty of room on the road, not moving over simply because they were unaware they were holding other cars back (or so I assumed), drivers nowadays seem to be frustrated by driving conditions that cause everyone to drive slower. Trying to get around them doesn't actually work, but it does make the traffic conditions riskier.

Like when there's a line of cars in the left lane that is slowed down by some car in the front who should really move over. The line of cars is effectively waiting, but Mr. Impatient will speed into the right lane, drive all the way to the tail of the first car and then squeeze back into the left lane. This lane change happens with not nearly enough room and at way too fast a speed for the left lane traffic.

Or when there's heavy traffic on the road in both lanes. Realistically we're all going slower than we would like, but Mr. Speedy is so close I can't even see the grill on his car. If I have to make any kind of speed reduction there will be no way he can react fast enough to avoid rear ending me.

And for what? Moving forward three cars or saving ten minutes of travel time isn't worth the dangerous conditions being creating on the road. If you want to drive fast, find a country road or drive when there’s no traffic. If you're on the road with the masses, do us all a favor and slow down.

Volunteering: High Fives All Around

I’m a runner. I’ve been one since the spring of my 8th grade year when against all odds I made my junior high’s track team. You had to try out for everything and despite numerous prior attempts I hadn’t really made any of the teams until then. I wasn’t a superstar, in fact I didn’t even get to race in the conference meet, but being a part of that team, pushing myself to be a better runner, gave me the confidence to go out for cross country when my I started high school. My dad says after that track season, I never looked back.

Running has given a lot to me over the years: fitness, friends, self-confidence, stress release, and recently I decided I wanted to get more involved in giving back. I started this morning by volunteering at Chicago Run’s 2nd Annual 1-Mile Fun Run. Chicago Run is a non-profit that facilitates running programs in Chicago Public Schools. In only their second year, approximately 4,000 students from over 20 schools came out to celebrate the end of this year’s running season with a final race.

I was on the Greeter / Course Marshall team, so I made posters, directed cars to the parking area, cheered, handed out stickers and picked up trash. But mostly I supported and encouraged the active and healthy habits these kids were learning. In return I got a lot of high-fives, smiles, thanks you’s and even a hug. I felt great.

It's one of the great ironies of life that volunteering gives so much back to the volunteer. That warm and fuzzy feeling alone is cause to volunteer for something you believe in, but I think there are bigger issues at stake. It's only when people get involved in their communities and causes that they believe in, volunteering their time, money, etc., that we build the kind of society we should be. The kind of society that I think everyone wants to be a part of; a team that supports everyone’s growth and where everyone has a hand in getting things done.

I’m not saying you should move to Micronesia to teach children to read, but its pretty easy to find a program that matches your own interest or hobbies and get involved. You may get a tax deduction, but more importantly you’ll be one of those good role models everyone needs and influence lives in a positive way. Why wouldn’t you want to be a part of that?

As for me, I’m planning to become more involved in youth running programs. Running won’t solve the world’s problems but I do think it’s a building block for self-esteem, reaching goals and becoming a better person. Being a runner could be just the boost these kids need, and I contributed to that, all by picking up a smashed banana peel. Now that deserves a high five.

Good Form! The Courtesy of Your Response.

It is my curse in life that I, who care so much about the courtesy of responding to others, would encounter so many individuals who either don’t care or don’t know about this most basic social nicety.

It happens to me at work, like when someone has told me he’ll get a file to me by a certain time but then doesn’t. When I call to ask when to expect the now over-thirty-minutes-late file I get an off-hand response, "Oh, we’re having issues sending the file, we should have it to you shortly." First of all, I know there is some sort of issue, otherwise I’d have the file. Second of all, why wasn’t I called half an hour ago when he knew he wouldn’t have the file in on time?

It happens to me in the early stages of dating, like when we’ve made plans to meet for dinner with friends but then he just doesn’t show up. Or return any phone calls that night leading up to or after the dinner. When we talk later he says, "I was at work and it ran really late and then I was tired and I fell asleep", as if that negates my reservation for four and asking my friends to wait to see if he was going to show before ordering.

It happens with events, like when you are sitting in traffic on 290E a solid 10 miles from your exit inching forward and my birthday dinner starts in 15 minutes. You know you’re not going to be on time but instead of calling me you just show up late and blame traffic. There was traffic, yes, but you’re mostly late because you didn’t leave enough time to swing by Target to pick up a gift, wrap and a card. (Thank you for the lovely gift, by the way)

What is it about society today that we do not have the courtesy to send a text message, email or phone call to let people know we’re running behind and not to wait to start, or that our plans have changed and we won’t be able to make an event? It certainly isn’t the lack of technology, and it isn’t a shortage of time. IT’S A LACK OF COURTESY, AND IT'S IN TERRIBLY BAD FORM.

I think people are discourteous mostly because they know the other person won’t like what they have to say. They don’t want to hear the disappointment or want to answer the question "why aren't you coming?", especially when the reason is personal or they are at fault in a negative response. Its understandable that people like to be liked, and want to be in the favor of friends, family and co-workers. Its understandable, yes, but its also unbelievably rude to just leave people hanging.

The fact is, when you don’t give someone the courtesy of a reply, follow through or general heads up that you should have it's your bad. It's your bad in almost every single circumstance short of getting a concussion and being in the hospital (which I’ve actually gotten). At the very least, you owe that person the courtesy of providing them with a response and, if asked, the reason. That’s not to say that the other person has to like the answer, and they don’t have to accept your reason, but they deserve to hear it.

Being courteous doesn’t absolve you from other bad behavior you may be exhibiting, for example being late all the time is still rude even when you consistently tell your friends you’re going to be late. You have a much better chance of staying in their good graces, though, if you give them a heads up when you are genuinely running behind schedule. Well, that an extra bottle of wine should do the trick, anyway.

Sidewalks are like Two Way Streets for People

With spring approaching, or at least I believe its approaching, I’ve returned to walking more to and from the office. It saves money, it's healthy and most of the time I really enjoy being outside and taking in the city.

I tend to walk against the general flow of work traffic, I head towards the train stations on my way to work and vice versa when heading home, and I often find that I am practically run off the road or into buildings trying to squeeze past the tidal wave of office workers heading the opposite direction. I can accept that if most of the people are heading one way that they’ll take up most of the sidewalk, but it's ridiculous for there to be less than a one-person width for those of us heading the other direction.

Lately I’ve been playing a little bit of chicken in the morning, seeing whether people on my side of the sidewalk will move back over or not, and if not I usually let them run into my bag. It’s a little childish but it helps to stem the bubbling frustration I should not be having less than half way through my coffee.

It isn't just people heading to/from the offices that take up the whole sidewalk, though. As soon as the weather gets warmer flocks of tourists will descend upon the city and they will walk five people across, stand in the middle of the sidewalk to look at buildings or figure out directions and in general wreak havoc on the normal traffic flow. Tourism is part of living in Chicago and I acknowledge that non-city folks won’t be as good at navigating city sidewalks as the natives. It's still rude to visit somewhere and stand in the way, no matter how unfamiliar you are with the territory.

SIDEWALKS ARE LIKE TWO WAY STREETS FOR PEOPLE. They aren't required by law of course, but I think basic driving rules would work wonders on a sidewalk: walk on the right, pass on the left (and by left, I mean the left part of the right half of the sidewalk, if you can help it).

All you have to do is pretend there is a dotted yellow line right down the middle. Most sidewalk circumstances can already be explained in familiar terms:

• Puddles are like construction. Traffic will need to slow down, often to a single lane in each direction to maneuver around them.
• Families and tourists are like snowplows and over-sized trucks with houses on them. They’re annoying and absolutely slow you down but you still have to wait until oncoming traffic is clear to pass them.
• Walking with an umbrella requires checking your blind spots, and the bigger the umbrella the bigger the blind spot. Golf umbrellas do provide the most rain coverage but they take up a lot of room. Watch where you’re going.
• Rush hour is still rush hour. More people on the same route at the same time results in everyone going slower. If you can’t change the time you are out or the route you take you’re stuck snaking along with everyone else.

Not everyone walks at the same speed or with the same purpose but there isn’t any reason why some people should drive the traffic flow for the whole sidewalk. Sidewalks are two-way shared spaces and should be respected as such.

The next time you’re running errands at lunch trying to get back to work on time and you find yourself behind a family of four eating ice cream cones and holding hands wait the extra thirty seconds until you can clear them without running anyone else off the sidewalk. If you’re part of the family with the ice cream and yours gets knocked off when someone blows by you on the left re-think the amount of space you’re taking up and maybe move to a two-by-two formation. Sharing is caring, folks.

Life Lesson: It's None Of Your Business

A few years ago a close coworker of mine was in a serious accident. I ended up being the first person the hospital was able to reach while sifting through her cell phone, looking to contact a family member. Fortunately I was able to get in touch with folks who had direct access to her family in short order, but due to the bizarre twist of events I ended up as one of the people with the most information about the accident and her condition in the days afterward.

• Sidenote Safety Tip! Identify at least a few contacts in your cell phone by starting the name with ICE, In Case of Emergency, so that these contacts are easily identified.

I am used to having the latest and greatest information on just about everything – people like to tell me things – but I felt uncomfortable knowing very personal details about a very private coworker when she probably wouldn’t have told me that information herself. I felt people were prying into her life, digging for details and asking me questions they would never have asked her directly. I became very protective of the information, not wanting to share anything I thought my coworker wouldn’t have told them herself.

I wasn’t always that considerate, in fact I used to be a really serious gossip. I don’t mean the kind that spreads unflattering rumors about people I don’t like, I was always careful to selectively share information so that the people I told didn’t have any likely overlap with the people I was talking about. Gossip extends to any talk about the private affairs of others, though, and I was definitely sharing information that wasn’t mine to share. I think I did it mostly because I felt important knowing what I knew, and quite honestly I didn’t have anything more interesting to talk about, which brings us to today’s life lesson.

Stop thinking that having information about what is happening in the lives of other people makes you a better friend of those people or more popular or more interesting. It doesn’t. AND IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

I know people were asking me about my coworker mostly because they were concerned about her health, but they also wanted the gruesome details of the accident. Just as I’m sure that when people “out” pregnant women they are in part excited for the pregnancy but that they also want to be the one to figure out the mystery and know they’re pregnant first. Getting information isn’t a contest, and chances are if someone hasn’t shared information with you it’s for a good reason.

There is so much our society feels entitled to, extending to all sorts of personal details about anyone and everyone. Too often we discuss and pass along information without any regard for the person the information is about. Everyone wants people to respect their personal boundaries, and no one wants to be judged by someone with information they have no business knowing.

Be the kind of person people want to share information with, whose opinion they value and who they trust can keep sensitive information contained. In fact, once people know they can trust you you’ll probably the one of the first ones they’ll tell. And isn’t that what you wanted all along?

Life Lesson: Buck Up.

Since mid-February my entire life has been consumed by a single work project. Early mornings, late nights, weekends, you name it. I'm not the only one burning the candle at both ends, there are multiple parties that are interacting in a way they haven't before and there's a lot that could be better about how the project is progressing. Everyone has changes to their business processing and no one is getting everything they wanted. Not everything is working and time is running out. Sound familiar? Of course it does, its called life.

Just recently I started noticing a distinct difference in the attitudes of some of my coworkers and those of external parties we were working with. Despite pulling consistent 12+ hour days my team was committed to fixing what was wrong and moving everyone forward towards a successful launch. What we got in return was a lot of misplaced frustration, even anger, and surprisingly childish behavior.

• One of the other project managers pouted during a meeting because he was told to hold his questions until the end of the meeting when we had gotten through the actual agenda. When we finished the agenda and gave him the floor, he declined referencing that we had rebuked him earlier.
• The business lead from one company flat out bad mouthed our company during a large conference call with multiple parties while we were walking them through an issue. They were on hold - not mute - so everyone heard their negative commentary. The issue turned out to be their vendor’s, by the way, not ours.
• After over an hour of trying to walk one company through fairly basic processing for their side of the equation without success, that company yelled at our high level representative and rudely requested that she not treat them like children.

Don’t get me wrong, I have had a hard time reigning in my emotions on this project. I often take things too personal and I was really sleep deprived but I vented in a professional, appropriate manner… at a bar, with drinks. Many, many drinks. And some crying, I'll admit. Less than ideal, sure, but I found ways to work through my frustration that did not involve placing blame where it didn’t belong, refusing to take responsibility for items clearly under my own control or angrily complaining about what this project was or was not.

Throw a tantrum on your own time. When you’re at work be the highly skilled professional you are and BUCK UP.

You won't always have control of the situations you find yourself in - at work especially - but you do have control of how you react to them. Acting like a spoiled brat isn’t just unprofessional and unflattering, its incredibly ineffective. Stop whining about how much you dislike the situation you're in and think of a constructive way to get to where you need to be either personally or professionally.

Its also really important to be realistic about the situation you’re in; sometimes you get dealt a crap hand and its probably better for your mental health to simply acknowledge that. You’ve still got a job to do, though, and bringing anything less than your A game isn’t going to cut it.

Next time your emotions are getting the best of you slowly count to ten or take a nip out of that secret flask you have stashed, whatever it takes to calm yourself down. Then get back to work.

Stop Focusing on What You Want and Notice What You Have

I turned thirty this year and with age comes wisdom. I’ve recently had an epiphany that I think applies to more than just myself (not that I’m not willing to share my skin care regime designed to keep me looking this age indefinitely).

For the last few years I’ve mostly been single, and by single I mean that I haven’t had a significant enough significant other to bring to consecutive family events or introduce to the inner circle of my friends outside of a screening date. Most of the time I don’t think twice about it; I’ll meet someone when its time. Sometimes, though, what I really want is a boyfriend, someone who really knows me and is there for social events and family events and hard times.

Sometimes I even have a little pity party for myself, like when I feel I have to find a date to bring to a friend’s wedding because I’m the only non-couple. But when my grandmother recently passed away I finally opened my eyes and noticed something: everything I needed was right in front of me.

There was an unbelievable amount of love and support flowing in from all directions heading directly at me. Besides my family, so many of my friends in the area made it to the wake, several sent flowers, one of them picked up a prescription I wasn’t able to grab in time and one of them even offered to take off work the day of the funeral to be my “other” for the day.

The Rolling Stones said it best: “You can’t always get what you want… [but] you just might find you get what you need.” I would have thought grieving would be easier with a boyfriend in tow, but what I needed to grieve was support, and I had plenty of that available.

Its not just about being single. A lot of my friends look to a specific individual to provide them with something, and they’re disappointed if that individual doesn’t meet their expectations.

I knew a bride who had this mental picture of the role she wanted her Maid of Honor to play in the planning of her wedding; she wanted her to be there for the dress shopping and the location scouting and for all the guest list venting. Thing is, this MOH in particular didn’t really have the skill set necessary to be a bride’s right hand gal, she hadn’t been in very many weddings, was away at college and didn’t really demonstrate the interest in girly details that one needs to provide feedback on invitations and flowers and centerpieces.

What this bride did have was two in-town bridesmaids with plenty of prior wedding know how and the willingness to make time to plan showers and address envelopes. It wasn’t what she wanted, but I believe that bride had everything she actually looking for: the support and enthusiasm of multiple bridesmaids throughout the wedding planning.

The revelation? STOP FOCUSING ON WHAT YOU WANT AND NOTICE WHAT YOU HAVE. Don’t waste your time wishing you had that special someone to share something with or being disappointed in a specific person’s behavior. Be thankful for the people you do have in your life and appreciate who they are to you.

It won’t be true all the time, but chances are what you need is already there. All you have to do is open your eyes and take it in.

If You Don’t Have Time to Talk to Someone, Send them to Voice Mail.

I’m one of those people who are really focused when busy and have a hard time shifting gears. I’m most like that at work, when I am deep in the throws of multitasking. When my phone rings during these moments I know I do not want to be disturbed.

I stare at the phone and think, I am too fussy to take this call, but then I pick it up and usually respond in a completely unwarranted crabby manner. I often end the conversation after a few sentences by saying “I can’t talk right now” in a snippy tone, even though it was I that answered the phone in the first place. I do it even though I know its inappropriate and makes me feel bad.

Worst of all, I do this most to my mother. I’m not sure whether it’s a child/parent guilt thing – like I feel it is bad to send your mom to voice mail on purpose – or what, but when I see her number on my cell I almost always pick it up.

Shame on me! I know when I’m not in the mood for chit-chatting but instead of waiting until I am I take out whatever stress about work or whatever out on whoever is on the other end of the line.

I’ve apologized to my mother already for my tendency to answer the phone in annoyance, and vowed to do it less but it isn’t just my mom’s feelings I need to be mindful of. Calls from business associates can also come at a bad time, plus they can be about tense situations.

Answering these calls when you are already stressed usually results in unnecessary shortness on your part, which can damage the work you’re trying to accomplish, your business relationship with that person or even your general reputation. IF YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK TO SOMEONE, SEND THEM TO VOICE MAIL.

Even with caller ID answering the phone is something of a wild card; you never know what’s going to come over the line. Will it be a short, friendly call? Will it be an in-depth discussion about your friend’s roommate’s boyfriend’s antics? Sending a call to voicemail affords you the opportunity to hear what the caller wanted, giving you the information you need to decide whether now is a good (or bad) time for that conversation. If the call does require immediate attention, you will at least have the benefit of knowing the basic subject matter.

Misplacing frustration can be rude at best and irreparable at its worst; not everyone is as forgiving as my mother. The next time your phone rings consider your options: send it to voice mail and wait until you’re ready (even if that isn’t for a few hours) or take a deep breath and be ready to answer it. Either way, it’s your call.

Show a Little Respect and Get Out of the Way

I have a tremendous amount of respect for people who choose a career in service, especially those who put their own lives in danger for the benefit of others.

I’m sure a lot of that is because my dad was a volunteer fireman and EMT for almost 15 years. Some of my earliest memories are of those guys - I remember waking up in the middle of the night when my dad’s pager went off, and how holiday parties were always scheduled around when he was on-call. I watched them burn down our old garage as practice and before prom my dad was on the field demonstrating the danger of drinking and driving with a wrecked car and the jaws of life.

I don’t just respect the people and what they do, though, I also respect their rules and the part we all need to play for everyone to be safe. I seem to be in the minority of folks who do, unfortunately, and I wonder whether its because people don’t know or whether they just don’t care. I’m hoping it’s the former.

The offense that I’ve been noticing lately? Drivers who don’t slow down and pull over to the right when they see emergency vehicles behind then or actually stop the car when they see/hear the sirens.

If it was your house on fire or your spouse having a heart attack you’d want nothing to slow the assistance from getting to you as soon as possible. If they were delayed because of ignorant driver traffic, you’d probably think those drivers were liable for some of your pain and suffering.

Besides the moral obligation, its also the law. To paraphrase Illinois Rules of the Road:

• When you SEE an emergency vehicle, yield, change to a lane away from that vehicle and slow down.
• When you HEAR and SEE an emergency vehicle, immediately pull over to the right side of the road and stop until the vehicle passes.

Your current driving situation does not trump that of an emergency vehicle with lights and/or sirens blazing and its awfully self-centered to think that it is. Safety rules are there for a reason; they decrease everybody’s risk for bad things to happen. SHOW A LITTLE RESPECT AND GET OUT OF THE WAY.

Firemen, policemen and paramedics risk their lives on a daily basis to improve the safety of yours. The least you could do is respect them when they are doing their job. Safety first!

If You Don’t Want to Share Space, Get Off the Bus

I’ve lived and worked in the city for around eight years now, and between a few different jobs, living on the north and south side of the loop and friends just about everywhere I’ve gotten a pretty good grasp on the public transportation behemoth that is the CTA.

I personally like the CTA. Its not always as convenient as driving my own car door to door but it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than parking and most of the time I can easily map out a route that doesn’t involve more than one transfer. Of course its also better for the environment but you know what I really get a kick out of? People watching.

I love how people are afraid of standing in the middle of el trains and insist on crowding like sardines by the doors. I always smile at the guy who insists I take his seat on the #1 because he gets off at 18th and then tells me to have a great day several times before getting off and waving from the street. I silently cheer when people give up their seat for pregnant women or people with babies. I wonder how many people who are sound asleep miss their stop, or if they just know when to wake up.

Not everyone on the bus is entertaining or crazy, though. Some of you are downright rude. Riding public transportation involves transporting with the public. You don’t always get your favorite seat, or any seat for that matter, and you may not like who you’re sitting next to. There aren’t any cup holders and you can’t control the temperature or how good the bus driver is at accelerating. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SHARE SPACE, GET OFF THE BUS.

What we need is a quick refresher on CTA etiquette. Let’s stick with the basics:

• Watch your things. I often carry a large bag and of course accidents happen, but hitting someone on the head with your backpack while you walk past is uncalled for.
• Sometimes public transportation runs behind schedule and gets crowded. Don’t add to the problem by being indignant, instead make yourself small and realize that everyone else is uncomfortable, too.
• When the bus starts to get crowded, you should move to the back. The back isn’t by the back door and the steps, no, that’s still the middle of the bus. The back involves walking up the steps.
• When you’re on a crowded el, you should move to the middle and the ends. Standing by the door makes it harder for everyone to get on, get off, or not knock others down when the train is moving.
• Just because someone is blocking the aisle doesn’t mean you have to stand behind them. Say excuse me and head to a roomier area of the car. If you’re interested in sitting you’ll probably be in a better position when seats open up, too.
• Give people with luggage a break. Neither the bus nor the el trains are particular well designed for people with rolling suitcases, but I would rather lug my suitcase onto the bus then spend $30-$40 on a cab ride. I know its awkward to get around my bag but I’m not blocking the aisle just to annoy you.

Just one more that’s a personal irritant of mine. Are you one of those people who are terrified you won’t be able to get off the el or bus when it stops at your stop? I think you’re overreacting but I can respect that you don’t want to be rushed getting off. Do everyone a favor, though, don’t ask people to get up and adjust their position when the bus is moving - that just makes it harder for everyone, especially if the bus/train is crowded. Stand up and move towards the door with the people getting off on the stop before yours. You won’t be panicked and the rest of us won’t be annoyed.

With public transportation you have to cut everyone a little slack. Sometimes you’re the one having a too-loud-for-the-bus conversation on your cell phone and sometimes the guy next to you has an excessively wet umbrella dripping on your shoes. Find yourself a spot, plant your feet and enjoy the show. Just don’t forget to hold on.

What You Should Say Is "Congratulations!"

As we round out the holidays this year I find myself once again overflowing with pregnancy and engagement announcements. I couldn’t be happier for all the new lives and marriages that will be coming in 2009, and unfortunately I’m not surprised that these announcements also bring with them stories of the astoundingly inappropriate responses that have followed the news.

For example, the sister of a newly engaged bride-to-be asking “Why is it so tiny?” in reference to her sister’s engagement ring. Or hearing “Are you happy about it?” upon hearing that your friends are having a girl even though they weren’t trying to get pregnant.

Sometimes I wonder where everyone was the day they taught manners.

WHAT YOU SHOULD SAY IS “CONGRATULATIONS!”, no matter what your personal feelings are on the news being shared with you. It should be said with enthusiasm, with perhaps one specific exception when you would phrase it more as an upbeat question… “Congratulations?!". This exception of course refers to when you have a valid reason to believe the bearer of “good news” may think the news is actually bad.

Regardless, there is no room for what you think about the news in your initial response, you’re not being asked for an opinion. You’ve been given the result of a decision that has already been made and what you should return is your support for that decision.

Don’t worry, if the bearer of the news is questioning whether that news is good and you are close enough to them that they want your opinion, they’ll bring it up on their own. If they want your opinion, they’ll ask for it, and it is within that context that sharing your true feelings on the subject is appropriate.

In the meantime, be the supportive and loving friend you truly are (or should be). Invite your pal to grab a glass of bubbly to celebrate that sparkling new diamond… sparkling juice for the mom-to-be, of course.

BONUS TIP! If the good news isn’t yours personally, be sure to check with the rightful owner before you pass the details along to mutual friends, acquaintances or work associates. You don’t want to take away from their moment and you certainly don’t want to imply that your friendship is closer than theirs since you got the information directly.