You're Never Too Busy for the Important Stuff

A few weeks ago my aunt called me to invite me to a birthday party for her aunt, my great aunt. She was turning 90 and my aunt was throwing together a bash. My aunt was also performing in a musical that afternoon that a number of party guests were planning to attend. She said she I knew I was really busy but they’d love for me to come.

As it happened, I was busy. I had plans for later that same night, but I told her of course I would come. I kept my evening plans, adding in the play and the first hour of so of the birthday party. It made for a very busy Saturday, especially since I was already committed to baking a treat for my evening plans and offered to pick up store-bought appetizers for my aunt’s party.

It was worth it. I sat with my cousin in the rafters of my junior high school during the musical and at the end the whole cast sang happy birthday to my great aunt. Afterwards I rushed to buy a card for her from "all the cousins", and laughed as the three cousins that were in attendance (myself included) struggled to remember everyone’s names. I discovered that my great aunt went to the same high school as I had, which I’d never known, and I met my second cousin’s girlfriend. I didn’t want to leave early, but I did, and went on to enjoy similarly fun evening plans where my choco-mint brownies were a huge hit.

I’m a busy person, there’s no denying that, but I don’t ever want to be the kind of busy person that my friends and family think doesn’t have the time to hang out with them. I’m busy because I make myself available to do that, and I’m blessed to have plenty of people to do that with.

Your life is meant to be full, but it's up to you to fill it with what’s going to be meaningful. Make time for what’s important... If you’re too busy to enjoy you’re life you’ll miss it. Don’t underestimate the value of spending time with people, no matter what you’re doing with them.

I won’t miss the workout I skipped to see my aunt wear a fake wart on stage and dance around with mice, and seeing the joy on my great aunt's face surrounded by her family did more to reduce my stress than any good night's sleep ever would. My life is full, all right, but there's always room for more of the good stuff.

Party Tip #2: Simplify the Menu

All great parties have great food, whether it’s formal or casual, snacks or full blown dinner. The trick to hosting an event with great food is to tailor the menu to the event. It’s easy to think of everything you love, or have a really great recipe for, and throw it onto your party menu, but if you streamline the menu you’ll find you can still receive rave reviews while actually being able to enjoy your party.

Take M’s recent birthday party/open house, with a guest list of 30+ including friends, family and children. Dinner options included beef brisket and veggie chili. They thought about adding grilled food as well, but (rightly) decided it added a level of complexity to their menu and would require a lot of outdoor time away from the party. Both the brisket and chili had prep that had been done the day prior, and both spent the day heating and getting delicious in crock pots on their counter. Right before the party, chili accompaniments and sandwich buns were placed out and voila! Dinner is (self) served and the hosts spent the party chatting with friends.

Not sure where to start? Here’s what I do when planning a menu:

• Begin with either a centerpiece item (such as the brisket) or a theme (Mexican is a favorite of mine). Both focus your attention on a handful of recipes that you can coordinate. It also makes decisions about whether to include things easier (Q: What goes with brisket? A: Coleslaw).
• Choose items that work for the number of guests you're planning to have. Save your chicken parmesan for a dinner party and go with lasagna for the crowd.
• Keep the number of total items low. You want variation, but you don’t need to go crazy. Avoid several of the same thing, for example four kinds of chips, and overlap where possible, for example pita chips and veggies both go well with hummus.
• Plan to make some things and buy store bought for others. This will save you time and sometimes money. Plus, pre-made can be better than what you’d make at home.
• Think about the preparation of the food, both prior to and during the party, and minimize items requiring last minute preparation or overlapping timeframes. You don’t want to be sautéing peppers while a stream of guests are ringing your doorbell, or juggling items in your oven so everything stays hot.

Providing delicious food for your party doesn’t require days of food preparation and slaving in your kitchen. PARTY TIP #2: SIMPLIFY THE MENU. Organize a menu that contains a balanced selection of items that are low on day-of prep and maintenance. Let the crock pot do the magic while you entertain your guests. Impress your father-in-law with your unbelievable beef brisket.

You just planned the perfect party. You’re Welcome.

Kindness: A Good Turn

The everyday kindness of the back roads more than makes up for the acts of greed in the headlines. ~Charles Kuralt, On the Road With Charles Kuralt

Granted, the CTA bus system of Chicago can hardly be considered the back roads, but nothing cheers me more than witnessing random acts of kindness during the thirty or so minutes I spend on it to and from work. One person giving up their seat for an elderly woman really does help to right general society wrongs.

I especially enjoy the kindness in the morning, as it’s the first interaction I’m having with society for the day. I love when my bus driver says hello or “watch your step” when the weather creates a daunting situation for taking a giant step off the bus.

I am constantly monitoring how often people running to catch the bus are let on. I understand, of course, that the bus driver has a schedule to keep, but I can’t help smiling when they stop after seeing someone waving frantically and running down the street in the hopes of making the bus.

Just yesterday our bus driver stopped after leaving the bus stop, even though the light was green. He let not one, but two folks on, one who was racing across the street from the North, and the other who realized she might still have a chance and came hustling from the West. You should have seen the joy on their faces when they stepped onto the bus.

The older I get the more I am convinced that it is our regular daily behaviors that define who we are, not our larger, life long pursuits and accomplishments. We experience literally millions of interactions with others; each one is an opportunity for us to demonstrate the people we really are.

That’s a sobering thought, that our true nature is based mostly on actions that we don’t even think about. Then again, it’s hard not to see how even a small act of goodness would multiply out over so many opportunities to repeat it.

For me, nothing speaks more to one’s character than kindness. And no one attribute covers so much. Synonyms for kindness include humanity, generosity, charity, sympathy, compassion and tenderness.

All those warm and fuzzies from the simple act of handing someone’s dropped CTA pass to them on the bus. Maybe there's hope for us, after all.

No Guest For You!

A friend of mine just received an invitation addressed exclusively to her. No “and Guest”. For those of you unfamiliar, the inner envelope of your wedding invitation should clearly list who is invited; those not listed are not invited. Does the invite say Mr. and Mrs. Jones? Then the lovely children of the Jones’ are not invited. Children are only included when the phrase “family” is included.

Now normally I am a huge proponent of simply following instructions. If you were meant to bring a guest with you, your invitation would say so. Then I remembered when a friend of mine got married and a number of friends received invites with no mention of guests. The wedding was in a small venue, and I knew there was a large list of potential invites. I thought it was very likely that those without steady significant others had been invited as solo guests, in order to allow for more people to be invited while keeping the total manageable.

It didn’t seem consistent, though, who was invited with guest and who wasn’t, so I clarified with that friend what her actual intentions were. Turns out it was a mistake, everyone was supposed to have a guest. She felt terrible, but no feelings were hurt and her wedding was amazing.

It would have been fine if it hadn’t been a mistake, of course. I understand that weddings are expensive affairs, and that in order to invite more of your friends while keeping costs reasonable you might invite your perpetually single friend without guest. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, when it’s your wedding you can do whatever you like.

You should, however, give folks a heads up if you are going to deviate from what is generally considered proper behavior. Just like you specify when you don’t want gifts at a birthday party, if you’re restricting your guest list for whatever reason take the time to provide some background to the affected guests in order to (a) ensure no one’s feelings are hurt and (b) ensure you don’t end up with RSVPs for all your baby cousins.

The generally accepted threshold for extending the “and guest” is 18. My friend in this story is 30. Obviously the bride and groom want her to share in the celebration of their marriage, of them finding their life partners, but inviting her without a guest just underlines that she’s so single that she doesn’t warrant one. Isn’t asking her to participate in the bouquet toss humiliating enough?

Stick with the Positive

I have a set of salt and pepper shakers that are in the shape of two peas in a pod. They were the favor at a baby shower that a friend of mine hosted for a mutual friend a number of years back. I pull them out often, they are the only S & P shakers I have, and they are often complimented by my guests.

It’s ironic, because when the hostess asked me my opinion on them I said I didn’t like them – who would use pea in a pod shakers? – and I also referenced my general belief that favors are stupid (since no one uses whatever you give them).

It’s also a nearly constant reminder that I should mind my manners. I get asked my opinion all the time, on subjects from the meaningless (Diet Cherry Coke or Cherry Coke Zero) to the most important (does this dress make me look fat?). No matter what the question, there is a person behind it, and that person has feelings. Whether I enjoy their cooking or not I want to maintain a positive relationship with them.

How should you respond when asked your opinion? STICK WITH THE POSITIVE. Are you looking at a bridesmaid dress that makes your friend look like a 1980’s drag queen? Compliment the color. Is your cousin’s new baby still in that sort of alien mode? Point out how smiley she is.

Sometimes people are asking for a genuine opinion, in which case you can certainly tell them what you do and do not like about their options, but be mindful of how invested someone may be in their opinion and/or decision. You don’t want to crush someone’s spirit by telling them their invitation is ugly when they could have easily have spent hours looking for something that fit into the theme and price point.

You don’t want to lie, either, being dishonest to save someone’s feelings just hurts your relationship with that person in the long run.

You aren’t always going to agree with the choices or opinions of your friends and family, of course not, but a little bit of positive reinforcement goes a long way to helping your friend make a decision that they can be happy with.

Not sure you can find anything nice to say? Take a page from my mom’s book. She always turns my questions back to me and says “What do you think?” More often than not I think this is the answer someone’s looking for in the first place.