I’m leaving, on a jet plane… as soon as this guy in front of me gets out of the aisle

When I flew weekly for work I became an expert at flying. I knew exactly how much time it would take me to get from my apartment to the airport, through security and to the gate, with a coffee. I was a master at taking off shoes, coats and putting my laptop in a separate bin and then reversing that process after the metal detector. I knew whether my suitcase would or would not fit into overhead bins on a variety of plane sizes, and checked (or gate checked) it appropriately.

The first holiday travel season I went through I was really worried the airport would be a madhouse. It was, but I was pretty unaffected by all the “regular” travelers because I had status on my airline and breezed through shortened security and boarding lines.

It wasn’t until I stopped traveling for work that I noticed how annoying those regular travelers are. They walk everywhere, pulling their bags behind them in zig-zaggy lines so its hard to pass them. They block everything, standing in the middle of the walkway while they look at the Departure and Arrival monitors trying to figure out where their flights are. They take forever to board, getting back up to pull a book out of the overhead or put their jacket in the overhead while folks are still trying to get into their seats. They immediately stand up when the plane has taxied to the gate, as if it will get them off the plane faster.

I digress. I know these casual travelers aren’t holding the rest of the airport up on purpose, but that doesn’t make it any less obnoxious. And for an advanced traveler, they just get in the way of our highly perfected routine.

As a pleasure traveler, I normally just sidestep these inexperienced, unaware yokels and go about my business wondering how these people navigate their lives if they can’t navigate a moving sidewalk. On my last trip out to Denver, though, I actually said something to someone. Not because I was particularly frustrated, mind you, it just had to be done.

There is a gentleman and his son in front of me on the jet bridge. They seem to have way too many bags to carry on, including a guitar, and seem very flustered. When they get to an open row, they both stand in the aisle trying to figure out where they’re going to put their bags. First they spend a solid minute trying to get his suitcase jammed into the overhead; it requires help from the attendant. I am patiently standing behind them, assuming they will then head into the row so those of us queued up behind them can continue the boarding process.

Sadly what happens next is they have some awkward shaped luggage (a bongo drum, maybe) that they are concerned won’t fit into the overhead. How it got past security is beyond me, but the attendant says he’ll try to find something in the back. While that nonsense is going on the kid’s cell phone rings.

And he answers the phone! In the aisle, with literally 100 people left to board. He says “I can’t talk now” a lot, instead of not being on the phone. His dad insists his son get off the phone, but they’re still just standing in the aisle. At this point I decide things have gone from annoying to ridiculous. I say firmly and in my mom tone, “Folks, if you could step into the row so I can get by and the rest of us could continue boarding that would really be great”. The guy looks at me kind of funny, but lets me by.

By the time I sit down, that guy is back in the aisle, futzing with something and holding up everyone else, I’m the only one who has gotten by him. There’s this tall guy making all these faces, wanting to pass him, but he doesn’t say anything. Just waits another minute or so until that guy finally sits down.

I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it. The only way people will know their behavior is out of line is if someone tells them. You need to say something. Out loud. To the person that is being inappropriate.

You don’t always need to imply they’re doing something obnoxious as I did with the guy on the airplane, but you should say something for the greater good of the situation. Put that inconsiderate ass in his place. Seat 16F.