I have a set of salt and pepper shakers that are in the shape of two peas in a pod. They were the favor at a baby shower that a friend of mine hosted for a mutual friend a number of years back. I pull them out often, they are the only S & P shakers I have, and they are often complimented by my guests.
It’s ironic, because when the hostess asked me my opinion on them I said I didn’t like them – who would use pea in a pod shakers? – and I also referenced my general belief that favors are stupid (since no one uses whatever you give them).
It’s also a nearly constant reminder that I should mind my manners. I get asked my opinion all the time, on subjects from the meaningless (Diet Cherry Coke or Cherry Coke Zero) to the most important (does this dress make me look fat?). No matter what the question, there is a person behind it, and that person has feelings. Whether I enjoy their cooking or not I want to maintain a positive relationship with them.
How should you respond when asked your opinion? STICK WITH THE POSITIVE. Are you looking at a bridesmaid dress that makes your friend look like a 1980’s drag queen? Compliment the color. Is your cousin’s new baby still in that sort of alien mode? Point out how smiley she is.
Sometimes people are asking for a genuine opinion, in which case you can certainly tell them what you do and do not like about their options, but be mindful of how invested someone may be in their opinion and/or decision. You don’t want to crush someone’s spirit by telling them their invitation is ugly when they could have easily have spent hours looking for something that fit into the theme and price point.
You don’t want to lie, either, being dishonest to save someone’s feelings just hurts your relationship with that person in the long run.
You aren’t always going to agree with the choices or opinions of your friends and family, of course not, but a little bit of positive reinforcement goes a long way to helping your friend make a decision that they can be happy with.
Not sure you can find anything nice to say? Take a page from my mom’s book. She always turns my questions back to me and says “What do you think?” More often than not I think this is the answer someone’s looking for in the first place.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
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2 comments:
I've missed this blog - welcome back! I think I disagree with you on this one, though. If you are asked your opinion, you give it. Yes, maybe with *some* appropriate sugar-coating, but the person shouldn't ask if he/she is not prepared for a negative response. I think you did right in your response about the shower favors, since that was your honest opinion. (Even if you wound up being wrong because they turned out to be awesome!)
A few years ago, I was asked by a friend to go wedding dress shopping with her and a couple of her bridesmaids. I was not part of the wedding party, but she said she wanted my candor there with her. She was deciding between two dresses, and I told her that one did not hold a candle to the other. She took my advice and selected the dress I liked. I found out later that the bridesmaids thought I was a terrible person for being so overtly opinionated without considering whether maybe other people really liked the other dress. But my friend assured me that that opinion was the reason she had brought me and that I was the only one there that day that had made her decision-making any easier. And she looked stunning at her wedding.
Now, I do agree with you if the request is just a fishing-for-a-compliment request. Or if it's about a baby.
Or maybe this is just a perfect example of why a certain percentage of the population that knows me doesn't care for me :)
It's good to be back! I'm going to try to post weekly going forward. Fortunately there is plenty of bad behavior to keep me going.
I agree, there are definitely times when your actual, brutal though it may be opinion is asked for. Unfortunately most folks can't identify that situation, so I want them to err on the positive side of things, just in case.
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